17yr Old Defeats the King

A Scot Rules Heavyland

Click here to go to race results and lap times.

The lightweight podium. From left: Alex Morris (3rd), Shaun Hollingsworth (1st) and Thom King (2nd)

Phew! I told you I’d get the results and points uploaded overnight, and then found the wrong set of data had been saved and I had to wait until the morning to get the correct files. I spent nearly an hour and a half uploading it this morning only to find it hadn’t appeared on the website as usual. After spending ages trying to find the ‘bug’ in the system, I discovered to my embarrassment that I’d uploaded the results to the fourth round, which is of course in August. Start again… Anyway, roughly twelve hours after I promised it, the results are done.

The heavyweight podium. From left: Steve Bailey (2nd), Iain McMillan (1st), Gary Wenbourne (3rd) and (back) John Carter (4th)

As well as the championship contenders the entry was augmented by several ‘one off’ entrants in both weight classes. If you are one of those involved in the augmenting, I hope you felt welcome to our little Wednesday soiree and that you all had a good time. There were a goodly number of Junior Club graduates present and they swelled the ranks of the lightweight class. ‘Swelled’ is perhaps the wrong word to use in this case as the average weight must have been in the region of 45kg’s.

It was however a slightly older and longer serving member of the club who set the fastest time in practice. I accept that Terry Waller is highly unlikely to ever get the part of the Incredible Hulk or to find himself listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the World’s Tallest Man, but he is nevertheless still bigger than the new wave of youngsters joining the club, yet he still managed to set the pace for the night. It was a pace almost matched by Dan Brown who came within a whipper snapper’s wotsit of the bonus point. The bonus in the more luxuriously upholstered class was awarded, with all due pomp and ceremony, or was it poop and semolina, to Duncan Cleverley who just beat Iain McMillan’s time by a margin that could be measured in nanoseconds. In truth, all time can be measured in nanoseconds but I felt it added a touch of excitement to the paragraph.

Two drivers had got totally stuck in an M25 snarl up and arrived just as the second practice began. One we knew would be Matt Evans, but the other was shown on the booking as simply ‘care of’ Matt Evans, so his name had not been entered into the grids. It turned out to be Liam Kinsella and he was duly typed into the computer. I’ve told you about our computer before, it is the most stroppy and cantankerous bit of kit I’ve ever come across. We told it Liam was on site and in race one; it even put his name on the screen. To check, we printed out the results and there he was in 11th just as we hoped. However, when the data was uploaded there was no sign of him ever having been at Buckmore and to make matters worse, everyone below tenth had moved up a place. Now that’s cantankerous, or as our resident boffin would have it, Microsoft.

Jamie Summerhayes got the show on the road with a staggeringly fine win in the first heat. He took off like a Venezuelan Jet Black Guinea Pig that has just spotted a ravenous coyote called Brian eyeing it up. He built a lead strong enough to deter even the hungriest American canine. What makes this all so impressive is that he started so far back down the grid it is possible that it was America. An even longer journey was undertaken by Easykart driver Alexander Morris who was debuting at Buckmore tonight. He rapidly ascended the leader board from his starting point in 15th to grab second after a faultless run during which he also set the fastest lap of the race. Apart from that he was pants. Pete Walters had the advantage of a front row start for his first race of the night but having already lost out to the aforementioned duo then found himself defending against a determined campaign waged by Alice Gould who’d just arrived on the scene after working her way up from the slums of P16. The pole sitter had been Robert Best but with this much talent about the Best he could hope for was fifth. However, that made him the second highest heavy in the race, the first being Pete Waters.

King Thom ruled race two in the same benign yet resolute way that we have come to expect from the British Monarchy. He started the race with the silver spoon of pole firmly in his mouth and he reigned supreme for a full five lap term. He took the flag nearly seven seconds clear of Matt Evans but to be fair Matt had got stuck in a load of rush hour traffic of the kind that always snarls up the midfield at teatime. Stephen Harrison enjoyed a terrific battle with Ivan May-Win but he didn’t and Stephen took the place by a weevil’s wedding tackle after five hugely entertaining laps. John Carter led the heavies from fifth though his card did get a little sullied by a couple of contact warnings, albeit that one was of the ‘love kiss’ grade.

Race three saw Dan Brown disappearing off into the distance like the postman just after he’s dropped a “you were out, so you can’t have your parcel” card through your letter box in total silence while you were in the toilet. He’d started the race from the sorting office of P7 from where he’d slipped by a duel being fought out between Shaun Hollingsworth – who will be 17 on Saturday, so happy birthday Shauniboi – and Steve Moody. Just a smidge behind was another battle of similar intensity. This one involved Stephen Harrison and the lead heavy in this heat who was Adam Careswell who nipped home just a few seconds ahead of Gary Wenbourne of heavyweight top three fame.

Terry Waller is not the luckiest of guys. If he fell into a bag of breasts he’d come out sucking his thumb. However, on those all too rare occasions when he draws a steed capable of doing the job, he’s pretty much Ian Vincible. By day the placid plumber, but as darkness falls he puts on his SWS T shirt and becomes Ian Vincible the mighty racer. He did that in race four where he enjoyed a terrific scrap with Ivan May Jones for the first three laps. Once he used his super plunger to pass him he began to pull away and at the line he was over five seconds clear. He also set what was to become the fastest race lap of the night. It was to be the highlight of his evening. Ivan then fell into the clutches of his old sparring mate the King Thom who had been away visiting far flung regions of his empire, like P15. Ivan clung to second like the most tenacious strip of Velcro and crossed a few tenths ahead of His Regalness. Things were just as exciting in chunkyland where Steve Bailey just managed to hang on to fourth as Iain McMillan swarmed all over his back bumper like a bee with no friends or family to speak of.

Speaking of Iain McScotsperson, he was the hero of race five. Despite being a member of the Stout Oak class he led the train of 18 all the way to the final flag after coming off the blocks like poo off a spade. I know it should be off a shovel, but you don’t always have the right tools to hand and I felt a fork would be useless in this regard. Behind him were a trio of teens whose total ages were still less than the mighty Scotsman. Actually, there were six of them, but their ages totalled 86 and I thought that was pushing it a bit. Closest was Stephen Harrison who climbed all the way up from the lower midfield to join the party. A few seconds back were the other five all lined up like an express train with really short carriages. There was Ivan May Jones, Rhys Terry, Al Morris, Thom King and Scott of the Anderson. The whole train passed the window in less time that it takes to say “Cor!” really slowly. Tom Booth was second home in the heavy class and he was a mere split atom behind Scott

This Alex Morris chap certainly has what it takes – £85! Well, he did have it till we took it off him. Seriously, the guy has got talent as was evident when he and Shauniboi went head to head in the last heat of the night. Shaun knows the track like the back of his Nan and has been plying his trade in four strokes since he was a mere Shaunling. On the other hand Alex, to the best of my knowledge, doesn’t and hasn’t, seeing as the Easykart circus does not visit Chatham. Despite Shaun using every little trick in the book, as well as one or two that were only ever issued in that limited edition box set with the four page pullout section, he couldn’t quite catch Alex. Matt Evans joined the party and finished just a mealy bug’s mouth parts behind at the flag. I also enjoyed the Alice and the Wallaby show that took place right after. This ended in tumultuous applause (from her Dad) as Alice made it home with mere hundredths to spare over our Terry. Duncan Cleverley made it into this paragraph by being the top heavy dude in this race. I don’t mean he was top heavy, he can’t have been as he didn’t once tip over.

The heavy final lined up for their twelve lap decider and when the lights went green it was immediately clear that it was going to be a close race for the trophies. It turned out to be too close for John Carter as he began to collect contact warnings like they were about to be discontinued. Just as he’d reached the maximum allowable count he came into contact with Duncan Cleverley at the second hairpin and this contact left Duncan firmly stuck and fuming as he’d been third at the time. The penalty board was duly shown but it seems John did not see it. The race ended with John just ahead of Iain McMillan by a muggers manhood and with Steve Bailey and Gary Wenbourne right behind. The due process of law followed and John was relegated to fourth while the others moved up one place apiece. Duncan was left fighting for scraps down in eighth place where he was not best pleased. Tom Booth wrapped things up top five wise but I feel it might be nice to shine the spotlight on those who have to date been light on publicity. Paul Bates for example, he ended up in sixth after starting twelfth. Then there is Marcus Gearey who rose spectacularly from 12th to 9th. Behind him came Adam Carehome, Pete Walters, Mark Bye, Robert Best, Ryan Terry, Stuart Wiggins and Darren Parkins.

The lightweight final was either absolutely stonking or incredibly depressing depending on whether you were blessed with a Racehorse or a Karthorse. At the stonking end of things we were treated to a spectacular show by Shaun Hollingsworth who had to defend a very determined attack by Thom King. The latter was clearly faster up the straight but Shaun knows how to defend himself against attacks by minor royalty. Both drivers deserve total respect but Shauniboi was the one to secure the gold by the infinitesimal margin seven hundredths of a second. Another close battle was fought for the remaining podium place between Alex Morris and Stephen Harrison. They actually crossed even closer together, the margin being just four hundredths. Alice Goad had Steve Moody for her playmate and they crossed line astern for 5th and 6th. Ivan May Jones began his karting career at the Kart School, then the Junior Club from where he moved to the heady heights of Mini Max in the Owner/Driver sphere. Tonight was his first foray into BPKDC life and he ended it with a very creditable seventh when he just beat Jamie Summerhayes to the line.

There was another reshuffle in the order in this final as Scott Anderson collected his third warning and was handed a three place penalty which dropped him down to 12th. That elevated Matt Evans to 9th and Terry Waller and Dan Brown to 11th but as all three were in the Karthorse class in this race, it was little comfort. Behind the seasonally adjusted Scott came Rhys Terry, Aaron Ford, Neil Peters, Anthony McKeough, Marc Peters, Oliver Jeffery, Martin Summerley and finally our second placed lady driver Ali Prior.

I should really review the Championship standings but it's been a long day and I'd like to go and cook dinner and check to see if any of my beer has gone off before bedtime and then the arrival of the Junior Club for their next round at the unearthly hour of ridiculous o'clock in the morning. The best bet if you really want to know is to press 'Standings'.

Boney Fido. Let me check yours.

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